okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
