The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
