Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
