9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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