I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
