I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
