So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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