The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
