I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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