I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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