i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
