Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want to be your penis for a week.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
