I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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