Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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