dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
