mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my shit smells like andre
we're making bets on your personal life
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
