cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize