I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
