just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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