I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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