I should be sponsored by Trojan
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
