I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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