glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
