you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
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