I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
