Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
