i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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