he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hippo gnu deer
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
