a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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