u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
