she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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