Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
