I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
