just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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