pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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