I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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