You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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