She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
