Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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