when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
