dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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