he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
