New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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