i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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