if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
