two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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