Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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