She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
