well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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