pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love having hate sex.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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