The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
