im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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