hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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