my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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