Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
