So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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